Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Finding Myself

I can honestly say, I never felt good about myself before, and definitely didn't love myself nearly enough.   Especially not in high school... or college for that matter.  It affected everything I did, and what friends I had (or didn't have!).  It affected what I was willing to try, what I was willing to risk (nothing).  I wasn't "good" at anything, and that's just who I was going to be for the rest of my life.

People categorized me as "shy", but the truth is, I just truly believed I wasn't good enough.  So I kept my distance, and kept my mouth shut.  (Still working on changing old habits there...)

It didn't matter how nice my clothes were, how I fixed my hair, how pretty I smelled, I was always, just Amber.  Shopping for new clothes was a chore.  NOTHING ever looked "nice".  I always felt I had to hide behind baggy clothing and t-shirts.  ... and was always the ugly sister.  Although meant whole heartedly as a compliment, now I hear, "You and Jill could share clothes..."  or "Wow, you look so nice, I really thought you were Taylor!"--- and I DO take them as compliments because my sisters ARE and ALWAYS have been beautiful, but just sayin'...

That's changed now (much to my husband's dismay, when it comes to new clothes shopping...).  I feel like I am finally starting to "find" myself, in learning how to run.  I don't need to be an Ironman, or run the fastest... but I'm doing something for me.  I'm finally good at something!  And it's overflowing to every other area of my life.  Some of my friends have asked me how I've stuck with it so long.  (It's only been a year...)  How I stay so motivated.  The truth is- I just don't want to lose this feeling- the feeling of finding myself, and loving myself.  It's not about running.  That's just the road that got me here, and I am forever grateful.

Next up: Learning how to swim.

Who knows, maybe someday a Triathalon?  Maybe.  But I'm willing to explore my options to find out!

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